When I arrived back everyone is eating all seated together. Here we bloody go I say to myself. I see her reaching her into her jacket about to grab her phone out, I'm assuming to text me and she confirms, "I was just going to message you to tell you the food is ready" . She asks again if everything is ok, I say yes but really I'm talking BS because I don't want to be there. Everyone is there talking in their groups, but I'm there cramping her style. She isn't talking, I'm not talking. We make light conversation about the food. Nobody talks to me, which I am completely fine with, it just felt super awkward sitting there. She joins in on other conversations which is good.
Anyway, time goes on, people finish their meals and keep talking about god knows what, I'm not really listening. Something about internet companies, cricket and tango dancing, along with the occassional dog thrown in. She asks me again, "Everything ok?" I say yes again, as you do, still feeling awkward. Eventually, the premises clears out and the only people left are the people who are their for tango dancing. People start clearing plates/glasses etc, tables start getting pushed to the side, tango music starts playing and everyone gets into their tango shoes, "Here we fucken go" I say to myself again as my heartbeat picks up. I head to the toilet, probably spent the longest time ever going for a pee, basically just stood in there for 3/4 minutes after peeing wondering what the do.
When I come out I sit at a table which is just off to the "dance floor". Eventually couple by couple people start dancing, everyone except me and my acquintance. Everyone is so good, or at least I think they are good. I'm feeling shy/nervous etc. I cant quite remember but I think she asked me if I wanted to join them/dance, I tell her no. I tell her I might just go home so she can have a good night without me cramping her style. She asks how will you get home I just tell her I'll walk, despite it pouring with rain outside and being 2 hours or so from home, I would of done it if it meant getting out of there, just wanted to get back to my comfort zone.
After I tell her this, she looks at me, kind of smiles. I have noticed during the night out of the corner of my eye she has been looking at me/smiling all night, but I just didn't respond/chose not to acknowledge her. Hell I think she was trying to rub her foot on mine as she kept moving her foot and looking down to see if it was touching mine, I just ignored her. I was being a dick, again I just wanted to leave. She walks away from me and talks to a few people. Eventually she ends up dancing with another guy, I wouldn't say I was jealous, but it was weird to watch, I tried not to look at them. I was trying to watch everyone's feet to work out what the fuck to do.
A bit later on she comes back over to me, I think she asks if I wanted to dance with her, "Not really" I tell her. Still being a dick. I am notorious for pushing people away, I'm very much lonely in life, but I like it, most of the time anyway. I know when I'm pushing people away, I hate myself for doing it, but I just don't let people in, I can't stop it. She says that's fine and smiles. I tell myself to get some balls and just do it, as Welshy and Honeysett said. I tell her ok let's do it, I'm doing this for you though, she smiles and says ok.
We start "Dancing" if that's what you can call it, really it was just me shuffling around the dance floor trying to not trip over my two left feet. Shes laughing, probably at me because I'm so shit. She tries to teach me, but really it's not working. More laughing ensues. I get a brief lesson from one of the other guys there, shows me where to put my hands, but more importantly where to put my feet. We do steps for a while, which I'm feeling is working a bit better now I have 1% knowledge about what to do. In between me looking at our feet trying to work out which direction we are going to next, we look into each others eyes, which was cool.
Anyway, we do this for a bit. I know I'm complete shit. An older lady asked me to dance with her, between her, my "partner", and two other guys they all had different advice about which direction to move in lol. The night comes to an end and we say bye to everyone, I'm feeling a bit more relaxed, still feeling bad, but whatever it's done now.
As we walk to the car I know I've been a dick to her tonight. I can see how much dancing means to her, how much tonight meant to her. We get back into the car and talk about something, I cant quite remember what because I'm working up to say something myself. I tell her I'm sorry for letting her down, sorry for being a dick etc. I know how much it meant to her and I fully understand if she never wants to do this again, or just wants to go by herself next week. Also if she never wants to see me again I understand. I felt like such a dick. I try and explain to her that it's way out of my comfort zone, but I did it for her. Normally if I'm at a party or whatever, I will simply just get up and leave, I wont say bye to anyone, just leave. This would have to be the first time in my life I couldn't do that because I was with someone. She accepts all this and says it's fine, asks if I will go with her next week, I said yes, so I guess I'm doing Tango lessons next week. I asked her if she normally just goes by herself to which she says yes, so I guess turning up with a guy to this kind of thing is a big deal for her, especially because dancing means a lot to her.
Anyway, we agree that tonight was a bit of a success, she says I was good and that other people were saying that same for my first time. Really though I know people were just being polite, I'm not stupid. At this stage I'm still feeling guilty though, still feeling that I let her down because I wasn't willing to give it a try and was ignoring her. We hold hands, as you do, kiss and everything seems ok. I survived the night.
Travelling back home, we parked up at our normal spot, must of been 11:30 or so. Started kissing more, holding her, running my hands through her hair, talking about stuff, all that jazz. Started sleeping on me while I was still holding her, you guys know. Must of been out till about 1am. As the night progressed hands started wondering (As they do) but nothing major happened, which I am fine with. I am wondering though if its because she is still scared from her EX and wondering if I'll hurt her, maybe she is just a slow mover as I am, or maybe it's because she just doesn't fully trust me or like me yet. Surely you aren't going to be kissing someone and let them runs their hands all over your body if you don't like them back, correct? The kisses got a bit more passionate and she was kissing me back more than normal. I like it most when I'm holding her keeping her warm, I think she appreciates this too. We are meeting up tomorrow night, if not tonight, which she initiated.
We were planning to go away this weekend, it's about 6 hours away, she doesn't seem as keen now, which I'm fine with as I didn't want to go that far too soon anyway. Instead we might be going somewhere else which is 2 hours away
I'm wondering now what the next step is. She does occasionally still talk about her Ex and being left heart broken. She drunk half glass of wine last night, told me she hasn't for months and when she broke up with him and was drinking every single night. I probably need to talk to her about this, I've tried but she hasn't opened up about that yet. I think it' a bit unfair on me, because we are spending all this time together, it seems like we are together, but seems like she still holds a candle for him.
What do you guys think. Are we together? She does like me, correct? How do you say to someone "Are we a couple?". Don't want to scare her off or anything. I know shes not just after a bit of fun, if she was I'm fairly certain we would of done something by now and you dont go around holding hands with someone in the streets if it's only for fun. Maybe though she just wants to feel appreciated?
So yeah, I guess I just wanted to write all that down, get it all out there what's on my mind. Thanks heaps to the posts last night folks, especially Welshy who replied within minutes of me posting originally
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